The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Al McGuire 
 
 “The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” – Albert Einstein  
 
 “War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.” – Ambrose Bierce  
 
 “It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.” – Andy Borowitz  
 
 “At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.” – Ann Landers  
 
 “Have you noticed that all the people in favour of birth control are already born?” – Benny Hill  
 
 “The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.” – Bill Watterson  
 
 “My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.” – Caroline Rhea  
 
 “All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.” – Casey Stengel  
 
 “Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.” – Dave  
 
 “How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.” – Emo Philips  
 
 “If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.” – George Burns  
 
 “Too many birthdays is a major cause of death” - Yogi Berra
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